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i just can't get it right

Friday, July 29, 2005


i am fucking weak....anybody who knows me knows what this means and what (or who) my weakness is. it is like my kryptonite... i wish i didnt keep fucking this up and could move on with my life..i feel as if it is an endless horrific cycle.. i hate how i can look into your eyes and see everything that i love and means anything to me. dont touch me, dont kiss me and tell me you love me if ur not going to live up to my expectations!!!!!!!!!!!! oh, and i kissed a boy the other nite...woops..a little mistake, i am digging myself into a hole. im afraid i cant get out now. somebody throw me a rope ladder cuz if u beam me up my chest it hurts!!! if u dont get that than ur a loser, and if u do get that...i love u and u rock!!

Current mood: cranky

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

2:00PM - ooooh, the agony!!


i am going to ozzfest with ben on sunday because the only tickets i can get for friday are super expensive. i hope we dont get lost because last time that happened, a fight ensued. i fell down the mother f'in stairs today and it hurt like a bitch. it was so scary cuz my head was flying towards the floor. luckily i caught myself with my hands. i banged the side of my head, but i think i am okay. it sucks but i kind of deserve it....i know what ur thinkinging, is she insane, she thinks that she deserved to fall down a flight of stairs?...well let me tell u something kind of funny. just last nite, my brother was telling me how his ex girlfriend fell down a flight of stairs backwards and how she got rugburn and a huge bruise on her ass. i thought it was hilarious, and asked my brother if he laughed when he saw it. well guess who has rugburn and a soar ass today...yep thats me. karma. ............ tommorrow is a&w and the bravery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay for me, kristin, manda, and nicole!

Current mood: soar

Thursday, July 7, 2005

1:19AM - california uber alles...psshh

i love 80's nite, but it seems lately that people are conspiring to get me to hate it. last nite ended up being a little dissapointing because a certain person said that he wanted me to go and that he didnt want to go unless i was going. i did my duty, i showed up, i danced, i even kissed a litte...apparently it wasnt enough. anywho, not a big deal, but i did see ben at the end of the nite, and i really didnt need that. kristen said he was looking at me when i was getting into my car...i hope he feels terrible. it just made me sad to see what this relationship has come to. i loved this boy more than anything in the world and did so much for him, and there we were...2 separate people like we never even knew each other. other than that crap, i had fun with kristen...i forgot how awesome she is. her boyfriend is really cool too. i cant wait for me, her, and manda to all hang out..its gonna be good times. so many shows are coming up next week...bravery, ozzfest, and midnight creeps. in the words of carl from aqua teen "it's gonna be so goooood"

Current mood: content

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

3:17PM - oh frick

i am so frickin jazzed. this weekend is going to be the bomb shizzle. tommorow is manda's b day and we are going to the beach...rain or shine... then we are going to have a kick ass time bowling, and maybe end the nite with some karaoke. hehe jitterbug by wham just came on...gotta giggle. friday is roseanne. i have never been to mohegan sun so it will be interesting. roseanne is like one of my heros. of course, i will get to see the great dane cook on saturday nite. me and manda got pumped by watching harmful if swallowed last nite. this man is seriously one of the greatest men on the planet earth and beyond. i cant wait to laugh until i damn near faint...its okay, i will bring my inhaler.

Current mood: cheerful

Saturday, June 4, 2005

3:56AM - "when i die and they lay me to rest, gonna go to the place that's the best"

i will miss this dog more than anything i have ever lost.......a friend without words. RIP my "puppy" Teddy Bear. i will still sing songs and insert your name into them.. i will always shut the front door quickly after going outside so that u cant run away.. i will always remember what it was like to kiss that little spot on ur furry ear, and i will miss waking up to ur tail wagging and ur sweet kisses in my face. i will think of u whenever i eat cheese, and whenever i see a squirrel scurrying in the front yard. i will think of you whenever i am outdoors, because i know it was your favorite place to be. whenever i am lonely, i will remember that u were always there to keep me company and comfort me when i was sad. on christmas, i will remember how excited u were to get ur own stocking full of treats, and we will hang up that little ornament of your face on an angel's body on the tree. now u really are our little angel.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

2:55PM - i feel like chicken tonite..chicken tonite...chicken tonite!

kids...dont try this at home

Current mood: busy

Sunday, May 15, 2005

2:50AM - what a journey

yeah, i was rockin the journey t-shirt today, that matt bought to cheer me up. everyone loved it except for one person...u know who u are if u are reading this!!!! i wish something as simple as a shirt could cheer me up. no matter how many people i surround myself with lately, i still feel so lonely. i think it is just hard because it is like i shut somebody who i was around all the time out of my life...cold turkey. somebody that i really loved and cared about. of course it is not going to be easy, but i sure as hell didnt think it would be this hard, especially since it is someone who pissed me off to no end. somebody who really hurt me, and took me for granted. i hate admitting that i miss him, but i really do. everything reminds me of him, and i mean everything. it just sucks, especially because i dont even know if it is bothering him at all. i just keep reminding myself about the way he was that nite...so cocky and uncaring about the whole situation. if ur going to fuck up, u should atleast own up to it. fuck you for making me love you. journey fo-eva!!! \m/ \m/

Current mood: awake

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

3:13AM - fuck you

u know what is fucking awesome? finding out that u are broken up with ur boyfriend by reading his status on myspace. fuking pussy. one day that fucker is gonna wake up and realize what a fucking piece of shit he is and how he treats good people like dirt. NO ONE will ever fucking treat him the way i did. he will never find another girl who loved him as much and would do the things that i did for him...not to mention put up with all the SHIT that he does.. i am not a cocky person, but i would like to see him find another girl who he thinks is as pretty as i am to him. fuck you and ur fucking stupid fucking loser asshole friends. go ahead, party it the fuck up, get drunk while u are taking ur depression medication, go out to clubs and parties and hang around sleazy girls all the time...just know that one day u will think of what it was like to have someone around who actually cared for you and loved you and listened to u, hugged and kissed and cuddled you, took cared of you when u were sick, comforted you through bad times, listened to you rave about video games, took you anywhere you wanted to go, proudly watched you play drums, came over when ever you wanted, watched movies and listened to music with you, looked at you like you were the most gorgeous man on earth, laughed at ur jokes, was just plain there WHENEVER you wanted me there...good fucking luck

Current mood: pissed off

Wednesday, May 4, 2005


well, i am fucking tired and sad and mad and i wish i could just crash right now. ben blew me off again tontite, only this time, he didnt even tell me that he was blowing me off, he just left me standing around at hell all by myself like an IDIOT. i went to his house after to talk to him and he had the nerve to act like he did nothing wrong. i swear to god he makes me insane, one minute i am yelling, and the next i am crying on his shoulders. this is just not healthy. i made a decision that i have to end it. i love him with all of my heart and would do anything for him, but i cant just keep giving without receiving. i have reached the breaking point. i need to realize that i am going to be okay without him...it is just going to take some time. this sucks that i have to go through this again. i am just scared that i will back down and end up right back where i started. if i do, please, somebody, kick my ass. i decided that we should just stay friends because i know that if i leave on bad terms, that will just make me feel even worse. if u loved somebody, wouldnt u look forward to seeing them and being with them and not decide at the last minute that u feel like hanging out with your friends instead? i love my friends, and i need time to spend with them too of course, but it is no excuse to blow somebody that u love off. despite the fact that i know that he does love me, it isnt enough. i know i deserve more respect. i am not gonna put up with this bullshit. somebody once said that u show people how u want to be treated. if i just keep going on letting him do this to me, it is like i am saying that it is okay. i am not a doormat, and i never want to be one. it is gonna be hard, and it is going to be lonely......i just want to die right now. why cant things be easier? i wish that we could choose who we love, or that people would all just respect each other and treat them the way they deserve to be treated. good nite

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

3:54AM - boom boom boom boom

so im customer service now..woopidee doo. for some reason i thought it was gonna be hard...what the hell was i thinking? anyways, it was pretty cool at work tonite, some lady got arrested. it made for some excitement on a monday nite. fuckin idiot, if ur gonna steal, dont steal from a fucking craft store....loser. well, i got blown off tonite for a goddamn movie, thanks ass. i got to see reggie play in his new band, it was pretty good, despite the fact that he broke his guitar right before they went on. my nite started off crappy but it ended with manda, roseanne, and uno, so that is damn good in my book. roseanne is coming to mohegan sun and we are sooo there that we have already gone and done it and it is the next day. that was supposed to be funny, why arent u laughing? anyways, me and ben watched this creepy japanese movie the other day with these scary japanese ghosts suddenly appearing. i was too scared to walk to my car so he had to come with me. ben gave some good advice, if u are ever scared, just think of a venga boys song. i swear it works, i sang "boom boom boom boom, i want u in my room" on the way from my car to my house and i wasnt scared. try it today, and if it doesnt work, u will get ur money back guaranteed. well, i am going to try to get some sleep now..i wish roseanne was on so i could fall asleep to it...damn wings...who watches that show anyways....who are the ad wizards that came up with that one. haha

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

1:02AM - finally healthy...somewhat

well, im finally not sick anymore, atleast physically. i went out tonite with manda to her dad's bar cuz she is leaving to go to georgia for a few days. i dont know what i am going to do without her on friday, it is like manda day for me :( well i have been thinking alot lately...would i be happier being with the person i love knowing that they are deceiving me while they are supposed to be loyal to me, or being without the person, while i know they are probably doing the same exact things. i just dont know if i can take being without him. i miss him when we have been apart for a day. i have done it before, and it just feels so wrong. on the other hand, being with him, and knowing that he is doing things behind my back is killing and tormenting me. day after motherfucking day. what did i ever to deserve this. so the other day i was at his house, and who comes over but alex. of course. awkward, for me atleast. he said something that kind of bothered me. he was talking about people he needs to find to dance with at the club and he says "how tall are you?" i say, "5'6", so then he says, "yeah, i need to find someone that is like 5'7 or taller to dance with" is he trying to make me feel bad?? what the fuck ever, that is the least of my problems, cuz i really could care less. i hate mike. he is a piece of shit, the biggest motherfucking pig in the world, an asshole, a fat ugly bastard. i thought ben could be rude, but he makes him look like a saint. always degrading women in every other sentence, calling us broads, blaming tons of ridiculous shit on women, holding up a can of mace to my face, poking fun at me in o so subtle ways, talking about his girlfriend pretty much as someone who allows him to get laid. i want to punch this mother fucker in the face!! he gives men a bad name, and no offense to the good ones, but they were already pretty bad in the first place. it makes me nervous, cuz i see what ben is surrounded by every time that he goes out with his friends. one is checking out every chick that comes into view, and the other is constantly talking about women as dumb sex-objects. gee, i wonder if this has any effect on mr. "my friends make such and impression on everything i do". i was already scared, but being witness to this the other night made me even more frightened. i was in such a good mood monday day, it sucks having to wake up tuesday depressed and confused. i want to get off this rollercoaster...i cant take much more of this. hanging out with manda made me feel a little better though, she is such an awesome friend, and so fun to be around. i just hope i figure this mess out sooner than later.

Current mood: drained

Saturday, January 29, 2005

3:05AM - livin on a prayer

tonite was a crazy nite, but it ended wonderfully. guys were being creepy at hell, and these 2 in particular tried to lure me and manda into a limo with pizza.."if guys come near us, we'll tazer them!" on the way home, we made up our own words to punch a skank by the midnight creeps cuz we have no idea what jenny is saying hahah so funny. we also sang along to livin on a prayer...good times. I think i really need to do chareeokee sometime soon (dont know how to spell that).tommorrow is the pantera cover band, should be good times as well. i cant wait till next friday cuz my family is having a surprise birthday party for my aunt at some restaurant. I miss my grandma and the rest of my family. Its weird, the other day when i was feeling so sad, i just wished i could run to my grandmas house and talk to her. well, i will finally get a chance to see her, and the rest of my family. i am tired, and i think that fresh prince of bel air is on, so i should go...

Current mood: drained

Wednesday, September 1, 2004

7:34PM - back to schoool back to school

well, i started school on monday and i am already stressed out. i am going to be doing so many lesson plans this semester it is going to be crazy. i just hope that when i do become a teacher that i wont have to write out such long lesson plans like this. on my way to school today, i thought i saw jerry stiller riding a motorcycle, turns out that it wasnt him, but it made me giggle. i feel like i am on a roller coaster ride lately. some days i am fine...some i am super happy...and some i feel depressed and crappy. i just wish things could be more simple. i wish that i had someone that i could count on no matter what, someone who i could talk to about my day, someone who i would always know cared about me more than anything else. i dont want a half-ass relationship. its just not fair, why do i have to feel this way because of one person...there are so many people on this earth for god's sake! i am tired and lonely..gonna be bored tonite cuz i am totally broke. i dont even have money for all of my books yet. eck, i hope things get better. im hopefully going to go eat now, which will probably suck cuz jim is in the kitchen and he will probably find something to bitch at me about.

Current mood: tired

Friday, August 6, 2004

11:40AM - that emu is pissed!

yesterday started off so shitty..last day of biology....driving in the friggin rain with my gimp windshield wiper, but it all got better. me and ben decided to go to the zoo even with the chance of it starting to rain again (we had hoods on). it turned out to be beautiful! we saw lion monkeys who have the cutest faces, we watched the cute little penguins fall into the water, we got freaked out by cockroaches, and we saw kangaroos and wallabees hoppin around. so many cute animals, it was good times. ben was so sweet, holding my hand and such as we were walking around. im so glad that he came with me. i was mad cuz i wanted to take a picture of the cheetah, but the stupid bars were in the way. after work that day i went back over to ben's and we headed to bickfords to see his friend doug. if i had a nickel for every time they said idiot, i would be a rich women. i will admit that it was quite hilarious to see them trying to not say that word anymore. i guess if you watch american choppers you'd get it....iidioot!

Current mood: cheerful

Monday, June 21, 2004

9:49PM - what the f

today was a quiet day, i was outside most of the day just writing and sitting in the sun. saturday day i went to the movies to see dodgeball with ben. it was a little awkward at first, i didnt quite know how to be around him. its hard to be just friends with someone that u love. when i first saw him, he asked for a hug, i thought we would never let go. the movie was good and we kind of caught up on things before and after the movie. i dropped him off and left for work. he told me that he would miss me while i was there. i went over afterwards and it was quite strange. i brushed the damn snarls in his head, and then we watched tv and chatted the whole nite. it almost felt like old times. he was very sweet and caring. i burst out crying one time during the nite, bc i realized that i loved this person so much and i knew i couldnt be with him anymore. I dont even understand how i can still love a person who has done what he has done to me. i was wearing his sweatshirt bc we were standing outside and when i left he told me to hang on to it, it would give me a reason to have to come back. all in all it was a great nite, but now it sucks cuz i miss him again. i guess i just have to get used to the fact that we are just friends and that i cant see him that much anymore. i think we are going to the movies again next weekend but who knows. im trying not to dwell on it. in other news, i will prob get drums in one week, and i am going to ask ben if he can help me find some cheap cymbols. i hope that he will come with me to my house so that he can help me set them up, cuz otherwise i am screwed. well, hopefully this week will be cool, prob hangin out with virginia tommorrow yay!

Current mood: bored

Thursday, June 10, 2004

1:17AM - i got leid

so tonite i decided to go out and have fun since i had a little episode last nite and today that kind of made me upset (having to do with ben). i went with gary to this hawaiin theme party (hence the "i got leid"). everything was going fine, i didnt know much people, but they all seemed pretty cool and i was chatting with gary's friend. He was cool and we enjoyed talking about dane cook jokes. when he asked what i was doing this weekend, i explained how i didnt know because i was used to hanging out with my bf, but we just broke up a week ago. later on in the evening, he asked if i would like to hang out this weekend, so i said sure cuz he seemed like a nice enough kid. Well, long story short, when he went to drop me off at my house ( he was the designated driver), he came at me and kissed me. I was trying to pull away but he wasnt getting the hint. How do i get into these messes. I dont want to be with anyone right now...and to make matters worse, i dont even like him that way. Now i have to somehow explain to him that i am not looking for any type of relationship right now, without seeming like a douchebag who lead him on. why does everything have to be a project!! i just wanted to go out and have fun tonite, and instead i made things even more complicated. It is so weird because i even feel somewhat guilty about it even though me and ben are broken up. He told me that he was really hurt because he thought that i was seeing this kid james that was friends with someone from spikes. for some reason ray told him that, prob to make him feel bad, but i explained to him how it was def not true. It has only been a week that we have been broken up, plus he is still the only guy that i can think about and want to be with right now. maybe in the future it will get better, but right now i am def not ready. I dont mind hot guys hitting on me or anything (which did happen), but that is all i can handle right now. im sure things will be fine, i just dont want to make it all weird between me and gary bc of what happens between me and his friend. ah well

Current mood: distressed

Tuesday, June 8, 2004

2:40AM - does it hurt when you think about me?

i am extremely tired right now and probably should go to bed but i need to write. I broke up with ben on thursday nite after finding out the day before that he had cheated on me. It still feels like a dream to remember hearing that he could do that to me. i had known that since i got back from florida that something was terribly wrong, i just wasnt sure what. i held out hope for a long time that things might change and i would suddenly be in a better mood, but after a while the hope started to fade. I couldnt bear the thought of being without ben, and i went on feeling sad all the time. Although i have thought alot about what he did and it kills me to think about, i also keep remembering all the good things and how it was for the first 4 months. I miss him so much and just wish more than anything that he could just hold me right now. How could he look me in my eyes and tell me that he would never do that to me, that he loved me too much. How could he see me cry about it and still not admit what he had done and just apologized? How could he be this person that i just didn't know. while i was at home missing him and thinking about him, he was flirting with and sleeping with other random chicks. Was it an "out of site, out of mind" thing? I'll never understand. The only thing that makes me feel slightly better is the fact that he told his friend that he didn't realize how great a thing he had till he lost it, and that he should have never done those things. I hope that when he goes home at nite and lays his head down that he is sad and thinks about me and how much i loved him. I hope he remembers laughing with me, kissing me, holding me, and telling me taht he loved me. I hope he misses smelling my "spot" and kissing my arms, or even scratching his nose so that i would scratch mine. I hope he misses watching seinfeld with me and those talks in my car at nite. I hope he misses my voice and my laugh..i just hope that he realizes what he has done. right now i just miss him so much and it kills me to think that i will never see him again. I think that it hasn't fully sank in what he did to me...i just don't want to be sad anymore, i have been for way too long. when i am with people i am fine usually , but when i am alone, i start to remember everything that has happened. Saturday nite for example was awesome. I hung out with gary and then came home to a party where i had lots of fun. Then i met my neighbors and we all just jammed (i played drums of course). Then the nite ended with me and brian staying up till 5 in the morning watching love actually. The second i went into my bed i was sad. i am trying to keep myself busy, but i think that in the back of my mind i still think i am going to wake up and realize it was all a nitemare, and then go over to bens and give him a big hug and a kiss. who knows what will happen, only time can tell.

Current mood: sad

Wednesday, May 12, 2004


today was such a nice day. i got a little sun and went running, not that that mattered cuz i had pizza and a chicken sandwhich and fries at spikes. i love hanging out with virginia, she is so cool, and good to talk to. I felt bad for ben, he got yelled at by his manager in front of some customers..i guess bruce was being anal. to make matters worse, he wants ben to work every friday, which sucks cuz it is our only day that we get to spend a lot of time together. Ben said that he was just gonna say that he is going to have a class friday nites, either that or i think he might quit. He is prob gonna look for another job cuz the people there are assholes to him. I kinda understand now why ben always comes off as so negative to people. He is so used to getting teased and made fun of that he automatically comes off as defensive. I will just let him know that i am there for him and that he never has to worry about that from me. they threw a cupcake at him monday nite, and it got all over his nice, expensive shirt that his aunt got for him. i felt so bad. why do people have to be such assholes. i wonder how people know when they can take advantage of someone. It always seems that they have some sense, and they know which people they can torture, without getting tortured back. i guess i'll never understand. i dont know what i am going to do with myself now that school is done. i really want to start my guitar lessons, that way i will have a lot of free time to practice. what i really want to do is play drums, but maybe brad will invite me over some time to teach me what he has learned. then i can practice at bens. i really hope i get to spend a lot of time with him this summer, maybe once he is done with school i will be able to see him more. i need to make some shirts and i have been itching to make a new belt...i hope i end up getting to that. i am craving seinfeld, i missed it tonite... ah well. i need sleep, but i prob wont get it any time soon. boring day of doing nothing tomm. whoo hoo

Tuesday, May 4, 2004

1:02AM - socially dysfunctional

well, i wrote ben a letter the other day saying everything that i have been wanting to say to him for like a month and a half, im glad i did. I was so afraid that he would be mad at me, but he totally understood,and he was sorry for making me feel the way i did. I was glad that he understood. The next day i went over his house and he was the sweetest. We just talked and laughed like old times, everything was great. For some reason when i saw him today, i felt so jealous that his friends dave and shana were coming to spikes to visit him tomm after it is closed. I think mostly because i am jealous that one of them is a girl. I have friends that are guys, and i would hope that he wouldnt be super-jealous about me hanging out with them, but for some reason, i just feel different because he is a guy with a friend that is a girl, actually a few. All my guy friends are single, and i think that is kinda why i feel it is okay. I dont know, i just wish that i wasnt the jealous type. I really need to sleep so that i can get up tomm and work on my el-ed portfolio. I need to drink sometime soon, i am so in the mood. wish i had friends to do it with...eh well maybe someday. I serioulsy only have like 1 friend, and another friend who i see like once a year now. i think that is the biggest regret of my life so far, is not making more friends. I was so shy in high school that i wouldn't dare try, and now, i dont even know how to make friends. It feels like all i can do is make aquaintances. I meet cool people at work , but i dont think they would actually want to hang out with me. Virginia comes with me to spikes on tuesdays and that is cool, i dont know, i just suck at making friends. I think that in a way i am jealous of ben because he has so many friends, and this sounds stupid, but i wish that he would bring me along sometimes so that i could make some too. It just seems weird to separate friends from ur girlfriend, or friends from ur boyfriend. I think it is important that they know each other and normal to all hang out. what do i know though, i am definetly no social expert. maybe i should bring this up to him. ive gots to get to bed so that i can wake up tomm and work on my eled portfolio.nite all

Current mood: exhausted

Friday, April 30, 2004

12:54AM - and nothing else matters

i hope it stays nice out like it has lately, it puts me in such a good mood. I had a good week this week, playing drums the other day, fighting ben crane style outside in the nice weather, going to spike's with virgina and discussing a contraption that catches people if u hit them with a car, rocking out to a cool new mix cd in my car with ben, having a really good lesson plan to show to my teacher, having my little student Nathaniel enjoy the cookies I brought for him, creating an awesome paper for god's class the morning of the due date. Tommorow is Yellowcard, something corporate and less than jake with gary. I am excited, but i will also miss ben cuz it is the one day that we usually get to spend a long period of time together. This week was great, but i wish Ben was more like he used to be. He used to be so much sweeter...i think he takes me for granted. I wish there was some way that i could just make him realize that. I am afraid to just come out and say it, but i guess i have no other choice. We went to his aunt's house the other day.. she is the nicest lady in the world. She was saying that she always talks about me to her niece Raina, who is an elementary school teacher. She wants me to meet her, i thought that was sweet. His aunt asked me if he treated me good, and i paused and said, sometimes. Ben looked all surprised and was like "hey". I love Benjamin more than any thing in this world, but he just teases way too much. I wish there was some way to solve this problem. Saturday will be 6 months for us, and he was supposed to be taking me out to dinner, but instead, we are going to see his cousin who is leaving for Iraq again the next day. I feel so bad for his family, it must be terrifying. I don't know what i would do if Ben had to go there...it is just the scariest thought. Hopefully, his cousin will make it through safely. I am excited about summer, and not having so much hw, but on the other hand, i am so scared of being bored out of my mind. Well, i guess i will just have to wait and see. Well hanging out with Gary will be a nice change of pace tomm, someone who says disgustingly nice things about me always :) time to get some sleepy i guess nite all

Current mood: tired

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